“My goal is to be my child’s friend.” I can’t tell you how often I hear this from my Mom friends. I understand where the desire comes from—the notion that if I am intimate and collegial with my child, if he or she likes me, I will be able to steer better and, hopefully, more pleasantly. Yet, there are important differences between being a parent and being a friend.

This three-part series explores the foundations of our kids’ relationships. In the first installment, you read about the essential traits of good friends and how to differentiate between adult and childhood standards for friendship. In the second piece, you looked at the common mistakes that otherwise thoughtful, good children make in their friendships. In this short article, I’d like to tentatively suggest that one cannot parent effectively using friendship as a model.

Friendships are built on equality; parent/child relationships are not. Good friendships require a certain amount of equality, a balance of power. Parent/child relationships do not reach equal footing until the child reaches adulthood him or herself. Even then, some experts suggest that healthy parent-adult child relationships are never really equal. And this makes sense—but why? 

You know better. Parents have more information and life experiences to draw upon and, thus, (usually) reach better decisions on behalf of their children. If you find yourself saying too often, “Who would know better than my child herself?” you need to take a step back and ask why your eight-year-old is wiser than you. 

You have the broad shoulders. Children are not equipped to make significant decisions about themselves until, at the earliest, their later teen years. Nor should they be asked to shoulder the burden of anxiety that comes with having to make them. An example— 

When we first began to think about moving from the U.S. to London this past year, we did not tell our children, ages 10 and 12, that they would get to decide if we moved or not, or even choose where they’d go to school. Rather, we told them, “We want to hear your thoughts and opinions, and Mom and Dad will consider them as we make the right decision for the family.” Then we reassured them that we would, in fact, make the right decision. Part of this was because we knew better, but the other part was that we didn’t want them to bear the stress of decisions and consequences of this magnitude. 

Unpopular decisions. Of course, a parent-not-friend approach becomes necessary when you need to make a decision that your child doesn’t like. (And, frankly, you’re not being a good parent if your child likes all your decisions!) Indeed, thinking of yourself as a parent and not a friend will keep you from making the “friendship-maintaining” decisions that may be, ultimately, bad for your child. 

Visa-versa, too. Similarly, your child is not prepared to be your confidante. Listening to a parent be honest about their gripes about Grandpa can be really confusing. Even mature, compassionate children need a certain amount of parenting professionalism, which includes not talking poorly about one’s colleagues. Moreover, the angst of adult situations is routinely beyond the emotional development of all but the oldest teens—Mom doesn’t feel actualized in her life as a homemaker; Dad feels trapped by his commitments to work. Before you share, make sure your kids can understand and empathize with what you are saying.

Model good adult behavior. At the end of the day, all adults—each and every one—have a duty to children to model what good adults do. Among the reasons adults must model good behavior is to help kids separate from it the acts of adults who are not motivated by the best reasons—for example, adults who to be a child’s best friend as part of a predatory grooming process. 

My job as a mother is to help two children become the best young adults they can be. My twenty or so year assignment on their behalf is very different from my relationship with any of my friends. And, for me to be successful, it has to be.