| Establishing Boundaries |
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| Forgiveness and Reconciliation |
By Paul J. Ashton, Psy.D., D.Min.
Consultant to the VIRTUS® Programs
 Out of the depths I call to you, Lord; Lord, hear my cry! May your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, Lord, mark our sins, Lord, who can stand? But with you is forgiveness and so you are revered.
—Psalm 130: 1-4
“I am not ready!” shouted a friend to another friend who approached seeking forgiveness for having hurt her moments before with some hurtful words. Upon being hurt, my wounded friend walked away from the larger group and sat alone, pondering the depth of the wound. Almost immediately the offender approached her with some words of apology, but she just wasn’t ready to hear them or forgive him. We all felt bad; we felt embarrassed for both of them, and our silence in the face of the whole scene showed our lack of comfort. We wanted them to make up so we could get on with our social event and enjoy the afternoon. It was not to come, at least not that day, and we all returned to the fun and festivities—all of us except, of course, the two unreconciled friends. The party ended, people departed, but the story was not yet finished.
Calls were made; the story repeated, exaggerated, told and retold, sometimes persons who weren’t even there filled in details to those who were present. Over lunches, dinners, and gatherings in the following weeks people took sides, debated, and even chastised one party or another. Everyone had something to say about it, and soon the larger group was divided in two—until the original two persons involved showed up at one of the next social gatherings laughing and joking as old friends—they had reconciled without us even knowing it.
The articles I write that receive the most comments and feedback are those with the theme of forgiveness. I often receive requests to keep addressing the issue, and each time I do the “arrows fly by day, and darkness fills the night." People’s reactions are sometime severe and hurtful, which often causes me to shy away from any attempts to write further. It can also become a difficult topic to address in awareness sessions.
All I know is that the bottom line is this: God calls us to love and forgive, and the only way out of this darkness we have all experienced is to embrace Jesus’ message of love and forgiveness—as we have been forgiven and hope to be forgiven. Getting there, however, is an arduous and painful process most especially when your heart has been broken into a million pieces and the world of God and His Love which previously was so warm and comfortable and inviting, has become a cold place of darkness.
There are so many books, articles, theories, workshops, retreats, programs, and support groups addressing the issue of forgiveness and reconciliation that one would think we have found the correct and easy way to proceed, but we haven’t. It isn’t that simple, yet the message of our tortured, crucified Savior calls to us daily through His resurrection in such beautiful people we encounter in our life daily. We are often stuck and feel comfortable in expending our energies trying to comprehend and understand what was done to us and why we are the way we are. Moreover, we sometimes attach the horrible behavior of our perpetrators to others who, all the while, are trying to reach out to us in assistance. It is in our nature to distrust.
The rest of us need to look at the whole picture and see that, like my friend who wasn’t just quite ready, time is essential in the process. It is so simple for those who have not been offended or hurt to chastise others for not wanting to enter the place of forgiveness. It is so easy for others to pontificate about the merits of the joy and peace found in forgiveness (this author included) if they have not experienced the difficult process themselves, or, most especially, if they have been through the process and forgot how difficult it was to get to the other side.
Yes, we all want this nightmare to be over, to go away and to return to happiness and a way of peace and love. But this comes with a cost and a deep investment of trust in God’s love made manifest by the soothing, calming, and patient presence of those who have already experienced God’s loving forgiveness in their own life. Those who have crossed the bridge to a better place. May our prayer be that we all come closer together in that circle of God’s love and work toward fully becoming the Body of Christ for ourselves and for each other.
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| Last Week's Poll
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Consider the young people in your life... Among them, which do you think is more prevalent: healthy self esteem or low self esteem?
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Healthy self esteem
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77.90%
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Low self esteem
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22.10%
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Total Votes: 2443
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